I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
