I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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