dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
