Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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