Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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