I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
