I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
