Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
