Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
