the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
