well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
