I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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