hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
