I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
