I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
