Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
