I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
