I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
