o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
