yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
