i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
