This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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