Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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