Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
