Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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