Duck Duck Cougar?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
