I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
