Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
