You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If I die, sorry about rent.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
