OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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