He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
