I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
