i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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