She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
