I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
