I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
