I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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