Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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