You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
