You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
