When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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