I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
