my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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