she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
