I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Ladies don't puke and tell
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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