I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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