omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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