More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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