I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
birth control should be required to get into college
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
