we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He better not be in your backpack
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
