Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
