How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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