Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
