allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
