she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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