im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
