my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
