My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
