Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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