I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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