Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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