your parents love me but you hate me
Do you still have your period?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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