I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
